How Apple's iOS4.0 Stole My Messages

I started out as a Mac user. That was back in 1986, after the fateful days of the TRS-80 and PacMan fever. But over time, I slowly realized a lot of the software I needed just wasn't Mac-compatible. As I got into Excel (a previously mentioned torrid love-affair that continues to this day), it became an even clearer choice that I'd need to convert to Mr. Bill's world of PCs (ohh noooooo). The wedge between me and Apple was driven-in even further when I discovered Palm products in business school. The Palm was neat, efficient, powerful and reliable. Mind you, I didn't have anything against Apple products, it's just that some people study French in high school, some study German (or in Mister Blister's case - Russian). Some people drive Mercedes and some drive BMWs (or a Boeing 727). To each her own, I say. I loved my Palm, and my Palm loved me.

So it was a real big deal when I actually installed and started using iTunes "way" back in 2007. You see, there was a short period that year when your hero Mister Blister worked at a branding agency, which was 90% Mac-based. They also had this really cool way of sharing iTunes libraries across the network so you could hear other people's playlists. Now that's some fierce tech. And in those days, the iPhone was still just a candy bar in daddy's back pocket (Laurie Anderson fans will recognize the reference). I was still using a Palm Treo, and very happy with it. I actually preferred the heavy, clunky size and could type 85 words a minute using just my thumbs on the physical keyboard. The stylus-based interface meant I could see an entire DAY's worth of appointments on my calendar while having a multi-directional button that could hop around the screen with precision. Information on contacts was robust and highly customizable. And yup, it even played music. (Ironically, I got the Trēo as a replacement for a Sony Cliē, the last Sony product that ever worked right for me - and was my surrogate iPod at the gym for almost 5 years.)

It's fair to say that the iPhone clearly owes much of its inspiration to the Treo. And yes, with the earliest Treos, you could even cut-and-paste with but a touch and a click. Try *that* iPhone 1.0. So it was a very long and winding process that led to eventually switching to the iPhone.

Sadly, the Treo's demise actually came at Palm's own hands. I started pining for the newest, shiniest and best-ever Palm product over 15 months before the Prē was to be released. (I was shivering with an...tici... pation - that every Sweet Transvestite knows). I woke up at 5:30am on a Saturday morning early last June to wait in line. When I arrived, there were already 12 people lined up around the block ahead of me at the local Sprint store. Whoo hoo! That was the day - I was gettin' this baby. I should have known my place as number 13 would be anything but lucky. A harbinger of what was yet to come.

I'd heard so much about the iPhone but was skeptical about it not having a physical keyboard (fears that ended up being well-founded). But what a train wreck the Pre was. Let's start with the name Prē. What the frack is that? Like, "before" what? But the worst disappointment was that they jettisoned almost everything that made the Treo cool. Gone was the stylus with pinpoint screen accuracy. Gone was a highly customizable calendar. Gone was a phone that fit my hand well and felt sturdy. Gone was a phone with good reception I could actually make phone calls on. And the slide-out "extendable" keyboard? You couldn't do a damn thing on the phone except answer a call if it *wasn't* extended. On the 28th day of my Prē ownership, I took that phone right back to Sprint and marched up to the Apple store across the street from work (at about 2am when there was no one there). And I took the plunge. I became an iPhone convert. oh! how my life would change.

I probably should thank Palm for sacrificing their brand and business by putting out the Pre, which was little more than a cheap chick-phone knock-off of the iPhone, designed to fit better in a businesswoman's purse (I kid you not; know your market). Gone was the sleek Palm OS. Gone was... etc, etc. BUT, it meant that once I got it, the deficiencies of the iPhone were mild *in comparison* to the long-awaited debacle that was the Prü. Or Prå. Or, what was it called again?

So within maybe two days I was completely comfortable with the iPhone's sleek, intuitive interface. I was a convert. I even started buying music directly through the iStore. (This from someone with over 800 CDs who covets the format like old-school DJs covet vinyl.) And timing it just right to get the fancy iPhone 3GS, I was now suddenly able to have a satellite track where I was jogging via GPS (or some kind of cell-tower triangulation di-variant algorithm thingie). All these new and marvelous wonders. Life truly was better under the iPhone, and that's no hyperbole. (For our younger faithful readers, that's pronounced "hi, Purr bow lee", not a word meaning 'bigger-than-the-Superbowl'. Wait, who just said 'Megabowl'? Smarty pants.) Well, better except for the crappy $2 headphones that come with the thing. But carrying around that slim black and silver brick was sexxxxxxy.

Now fast-forward 11 months. My last boyfriend (and fellow iPhone adopter) has dumped me by text message. My relationship with my employer is annulled like a bad marriage. My new apartment has cracks in the wall bigger than Doctor Who's universe. But the iPhone 4 is coming out. It's going to be better than world peace or even a YouTube video of Miss South Carolina answering questions at a beauty pageant. It's the Supermega-iPhone to kill all previous iPhones. Folders for Apps! Character counts on text messages! Spell-check. (sorta) Integrated Inbox for email! Background multi-tasking! Sign. Me. Up.

But wait, what's this? I don't need to actually purchase a new handset, other than to get video chat (60 years after the Jetsons, finally)? Huzzah!! Let me just download the new software. Ok. Just, now, click... that button. Press sync. Ummm, let's see. Ok. Restart, and... Oh. My. God. It's here! I now have something better than my Treo 680! (Cue chorus of humming angels from above.) I have an iPhone 3GS/iOS4.0.

Let me just check my email, and...

Awww CRIPES!!!!!! Now my Yahoo! Mail is deleted, and wont reload. CRAP! When I type, the keyboard is off even worse than before. 'Jullrt' isn't a word! And great, now I'm getting alerts every time someone 'Limes' a comment on Facebook (ed: 'Likes'), but I can't get the damn app to load and show me the comments. Where's my friggging email?!?

Is it a bug? Is the system just so overloaded from the 1.2 million new devices that the network is crashing? Hkw come (ed: 'How') I can still get mail from my Earthlink account - which of course is the account I get my Spam at. But HOLD ON, what about all those emails from potential employers or people agreeing to set-up informational meetings I need to get back to? Heeeeeeellllp (sound of soft whimpering in the background). How will I ever find a job without my iPhone's email??

I guess maybe I need to rely less on emails and technology and start reachingboit (ed: 'reaching out') to people by phone. But OH YEAH, the damn "phone" does everything EXCEPT MAKE PHONE CALLS. Technology sucks.

Why does it so often seem that technology has to take two steps backwards to take one step forward? Cf. with MS Office and its idiotically designed ribbon-system and elimination of drop-down menus. Rat bastards.
Cf. also Time-Warner Cable's switch from the Passport DVR operating system to the evil and incompetent Mystrō system. (Here's a clue your software's going down the toilet - those stupid, meaningless bars over a vowel in the name that's supposed to look cute but has no linguistic value.)

And my replacement laptop arrives in two days. Any guesses what Monday's post's topic will be? Someone please come remove all sharp and blunt objects before I commit technolicide on one of these poor, helpless hunks of infuriating metal.

Will I get my email back? Will iOS4.0 correct itself? Will my DVR start deleting shows I haven't watched? Will tech support in Bangalore ever be able to reset my malfunctioning wi-fi router? For the answer to these and many other uninteresting questions,

Stay tuned oh faithful reader...



(Written by iPhone. Typos WILL occur.)