It Comes From the Heart

As things get tough, at some point you think - well, it really can't get much worse, can it? I have my health, I have my friends, and I live in one of the greatest and most admired (and/or hated) cities in the world, at the heart of all the action.

But then you wake up early, trying through great inertia to just get some gym clothes on and do a quick 20 minute work out before your lunch meeting with a contact at one of your favorite target companies. Then you decide to put on those flashy Nike sneakers that actually talk to your iPhone. Or at least they're supposed to. You put in the Nike+ sensor, but somehow it's not working. Note to self: another task to distract from the job search - replace that sensor at the Apple store. If they are willing to replace it. Note to self 2: the frustration of having them not replace it could be more worse than the joy of being able to track those workouts.

So at about the same time, you get a text message on the phone that now is *not* willing to be your workout buddy. The person you'd been dating has just decided to reconcile with an ex. In response, you start to tap out: "I'm very happy for you and hope you have a great summer". It's a message that comes from the heart. But so is the OTHER message you almost sent: "thanks for dumping me by text message; you're a douche, and by the way, I hope that tingling feeling ends up being an infection that antibiotics won't cure". See, both messages from the heart - one takes the high road, the other? Much more satisfying. Well, it was only three dates, so what can ya do? No biggie.

But in such matters, no matter what the circumstances, Mister Blister would always opt for the high road, in the high styled tradition of Miss Manners and Carrie Bradshaw (at least SHE got a Post-It). And you still have time to get a good workout in before your networking lunch, which could help re-energize your search and outlook. Just a quick check of email before--

oh CRAP! "Dear Mister Blister, I've had a number of meetings moved around, and am unfortunately not available to meet this week. How does three weeks from next Thursday sound?"

The second response to said ex above may actually apply it this case, but once again...
"Thanks for letting me know. I hope the meetings go well. I certainly look forward to meeting with you in three weeks and sharing information about developments in the industry." Snore. But it comes from the heart. The black heart laboriously lub-dubbing away in the black hole of a pit that is my soul. But it comes from the heart, and that's what's important.

Career options seems to be slimming, and in the far off distance I hear "Peanuts, anyone?" "Would you like chicken or beef?" Chicken or beef? chickenorbeef chknorbeefchknorbeef

xoxo, oh faithful reader - from the heart

And WHY is he (or she??) writing an Unguide to Unemployment

So only three posts in, and I already realize I have edits to make. I wanted to use the Who, What, Why, When, Where theme in getting started - it's simple, it's practical, and it's informative. Only I ran out of topics for the WHAT and had two topics for the WHY, so I cheated and turned one of the WHYs into a 'for WHAT reason'. Pretty lame, but I got away with it, dontcha think?

But isn't Kismet, just a BITCH! After going through all that rationalization, I realize my second WHY should have been WHAT after all - a WHAT (the hell) is an Unguide to Unemployment.

So since there are few rules on the Interweb, allow me to digress. It is, after all, what I do best. But I'll actually stick to the point and rather digress from the the 'WHY' constraint of this post.

An Unguide is sort of a way NOT to do things. Let's say you have a job, and then you leave that job (for reasons to be disclosed in the future). Then let's say that you have a tremendous amount of enthusiasm in the weeks that follow. You get great advice from co-workers before leaving. You set up literally 25 meetings to connect with people over the ensuing 2-3 weeks. You start to see a few postings that could end up being the dream of your jobs.

Then let's say everyone starts to tell you how the job market has improved, but it's still really tough out there. Then your personal surrogate Developmental Autonomy Department (your shrink) wants to delve into the deeper issues and emotions around your departure from that great job. And then you start to realize your boss was very uncommunicative, rarely gave any praise, and only infrequently helped you fix your mistakes since (s)he was used to figuring out everything on (her/his) own.

And then you start to struggle to see your true accomplishments and crowning achievements from a job you worked so hard at for nearly three years. Living in New York City, you often have to be the Best of the Best, the Cream of the Crop and always at the Top of your Game. It's pretty daunting without a team of friends, lovers, mentor, stylists, managers and producers to keep you running on all cylinders. Christina Aguilera doesn't roll out of bed looking that Bionic all by herself, you know. And it can be a pretty damning head game to have to keep your morale and self-esteem up in the Big Pond swimming with the sharks.

So yeah, you have friends, but they're all so *busy*. People start to reschedule appointments and meetings, then reschedule what they rescheduled. But "that's alright, that's OK, they're gonna work for US one day". (Sorry, couldn't resist a little plug for my college's favorite taunt when our football team was getting its pigskins slaughtered by the not-quite-as-affluent opposing team, in spite of the University being very community service oriented and pretty humble as far as Top-20-wanting-to-be-Top-10 schools go.) But in the end, those 25 meetings dwindle to 15, and the next 10 are increasingly harder to confirm.

So then you turn to the so-called Free Resume Critique offered by The Ladders. Some 22-year old brat living in his mom's basement in Hackensack decides to write a 6-page sonnet evicerating your resume, and just about every belief you've held about what makes an impression and gets interviews. What, no Objective Statement? Why how will anyone know what you're good at other than the bulleted accomplishments you have listed before your experience! What, only two pages? Anyone with more than four years experience and a degree has 3-, 4- or even more pages to their resume; everyone knows that! What, no quantitative bullet points to demonstate your ROI to prospective employers? I mean, other than the 7 or 8 you already have listed under your 4 most recent jobs. But HEY, for just a small fee of $695, we can completely *revolutionize* your resume, and get results. But all they've done is throw more self-doubt onto your accomplishments and ability to market yourself, all for their own greedy commercial ends. But don't worry, I haven't turned socialist yet, God Forbid! I still consume fast food, purchase unnecessary electronics and rack up credit card debt like a good Right Wing American, contributing to the re-stabilization of the economy. Just not through The Ladders' so-called Resume Writing scam.

So yup, I'm unemployed. Yup, I get roughly $10/hour in unemployment, or 1/10 of what I made 10 months ago. Yup, I don't have an idea of how to pay my rent in 15 days without taking out a cash advance at 21.99% APR, and that's with a 713 credit score. Something doesn't seem right here. I went to business school (a pretty good one). I paid my dues (union dues were $42/month when I left the airline industry 5 years ago). But sometimes your heart doesn't connect with what your mind knows it needs to do. There will no doubt be calls of "quit your whining and just do it" in the Comments section, but believe me, if it were that easy, this blog wouldn't exist.

In other words, this is a guide of how not to move through unemployment, and all the mistakes that are so easy to make along the way. Kind of an Unguide to Unemployment. Oh no, I feel another snarky moment coming on. Too, late, I'm already overcome; yelp!

Yes, there are Guides that tell you - get out of bed every day at 8am, go to the gym and get a Fresh Start on your rose-colored Day! There are Guides that tell you, go to the library, go to a cafe, go to your alumni career services office and meet with a career counselor. Wow, how 'bout that, my future is just solved in 20 minutes and I'll have whiter teeth in 30 days, no less.

Except for that one little overriding factor. I JUST DON'T FEEL UP TO IT!!!!! Sure, I can try to spout self-loving mantras to reaffirm my self-worth. Sure, I can make little Post-It's with 3 Things I Will Accomplish To-day. But this is New York. Somehow it's more fun to play the tortured artist, and blog about the situation rather than joining Doris Day's Mighty Shangri-La of precious and precocious little worker nymphs.

And at that very instant, Mister Blister has reached the end of "Why an Unguide to Unemployment".

Stay tuned, oh faithful reader...